You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
