just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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