my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Randomize
