took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
