I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
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