I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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