yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
