Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Randomize
