one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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