He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
