I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
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