i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
