Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I'm like, not good at living.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
