That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
