I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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