I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
