My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
