Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
