i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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