whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
