yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
