Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
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