Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
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