He asked to "fluff my boner.."
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
