I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
