I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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