My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Randomize
