Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
