i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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