Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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