my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize