i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
