Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
