at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
