I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
