Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
