you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
should my penis look like a turkey
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
