Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Randomize
