there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
