Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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