omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Randomize
