dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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