My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
