I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
