I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
