Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i may or may not be watching the land before time
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
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