i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
