How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
