Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Randomize
