I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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