So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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